Sunday, February 1, 2009

Daze Spa

There are perks of being temporarily disabled. I haven't been able to do my hair so I had my husband help me wash it. He was fired after his first attempt. I think he was just jealous because I'm follickly endowed.

Ali, an aspiring beautician, blow dried and styled my hair. This is quite a task because I have some seriously thick hair. It's nice to have special treatment.

As we were watching a movie on TV, Mimi stood behind me on the couch and brushed my hair. I allowed her to stand on the furniture for just this occasion. Aahh. This is the life. The only thing that would make it better is zero pain.

So when I went to the mall to order glasses for my girls, who are ever so slightly near-sighted but perfect in every way besides this one teensy flaw, and after spending $5oo in eye ware, I was getting used to the spa treatment. That had no flow or sense but remember, I'm a one-handed blonde on pain killers. Actually, I ran out of pills but not pain.

Back to the mall, where it is easy to lose one's thoughts, money and children. I was innocently waiting for Ali and one of the five Sam's when I was attacked. The Dead Sea Salesman was there with bated breath. "Are those nails natural?" You know how I am about being natural. "What?" I said like a typical American who can't understand foreign accents. He repeated himself and I quickly said, "I already have one of those." Crap! I was like a sitting duck!

"You know Regis?" he asks. "Regis?" like I'm thinking "Regis and Kelly." "Yes. Regis. They make your nails crack and break." "Mine don't break," obviously. Then I figured out he was saying "ridges." "Let me show you something," since he had my one good hand and I couldn't fight him off with the other, I followed. I was powerless.

"Sit down. Let me spoil you. This is my spa. You deserve to be spoiled." "Ha! Yeah, right," I say. I'm no sucker for flattery. "Show me your ritz." "What?!" as it dawned on me he was trying to say "wrists." No one's asked me to show my ritz for quite some time, except Jared who loves me no matter how droopy my ritz is.

He proceeded to wipe something on my forearm. Then he insults me by saying, "As women get older they need to exfoliate more." Here was my ticket out. "Are you saying I'm old?" "Oh, no! You look amazing. Will you marry me?" Ha! "You're young enough to be my son." Yep. He was 23. But of course he says, "If you were ten years old." SOLD to the sucker with the mid-life crisis!!! Just kidding. "Many ladies get buttocks. You won't need buttocks with this." "What?" I ask having no interest in another butt. I already have one that works overtime. Then I realize he means "Botox." He continued with his "you are beautiful" etc., etc, etc, etc.......etc. I answered with many sarcastic "Yeah, right" and "whatever" which would make my new son laugh.

Then the hard sell. "I will give this to you for my price." He whispers $35 in my ear like it was a proposition. Okay, not like a proposition, but I'm sure he thought I was hot for a mom. In his country mothers cover their faces, so you really never know if you have the best looking mom of all your friends. I'm sure he thought I was hot. "I really don't need it." I was strong, I was invincible, I was, la, la. "Okay. I'll give you $30." He looked as if I slapped his face, but that's what I pay for Avon. I felt triumphant. He asked his manager and it was a deal. Next thing you know, I was forging my own signature with my left hand. I did my part in providing another meal for this young boy - minus $5 out of his commission. That's what you get when you try to flatter smart but very hot, middle-aged ladies. Middle-aged. What a stupid word. That's a whole new post.


Karen said...

Oh you are killin' me over here! I am laughing so hard that I am choking. Now I know how they sucker woman into buying their stuff, but I have yet to figure out how they got the Rocket Scientist, Christmas of 2007.???

Karen said...

I hate those Natural Sea Salesmen. Or maybe I just hate that I can't say NO to anyone. They suckered me in once and I won't be had again. Also? They told me that the price was $60. I didn't give in until they offered a BOGO so I got the same deal you did, but the injustice of it all! Yeh, that.

Flea said...

Bwahaha! I had one of those middle eastern salesman give me the ridges approach in the mall. I went to Sally Beauty Supply and bought the fancy buffing block for a dollar. Marked down from a buck fifty.

If it makes you feel better, I bought a hair straightener from the female version for twice as much as I could have gotten it at Sally, making me the bigger loser in the long run.

Hope going back to work is better in the morning.

Flea said...

When I first started Sudoku, all I could see when I'd close my eyes at night was a grid and numbers. For a few months. And I loved it. :)

Flea said...

Oh! Oh! Oh! I know it's too late now, but for future reference?
I use them ALL the time, especially for my boys who thinks glasses are toys (not really, but he's rough and goes through a pair every two to three months).

Life With Dogs said...

Do you think there is any chance he thought you were hot?

Krista said...

Nigel, Sola & Co,
Come on! Don't burst my imaginary bubble! It's probably more like how I thought Paul Newman is hot if I were only 30 years older. Ha!

Life With Dogs said...

You seemed confident he did. I was just being silly :)

Karen said...

Okay....going through withdrawls. I'm too sick to carry on a phone conversation so I was hoping you had left some more of your sense of humor on your blog.

Nicole said...

Costco for glasses. Love them!!!!

And sales people HATE me. I'm like a broken record. NO NO NO NO NO NO. I'm more of a sucker for the item sitting innocently on the clearance rack. The item I don't need, but it's an additional 40% of already low clearance price. That I can't say no to!

N-O Spells No said...

I love your "special" sense of humour! We think so much alike, but you word everything so perfectly. "You wanna see my Ritz?"