Thursday, May 27, 2010

Once again, eh hem, let's start over. That sounds like it happens often. Glammy gave me an award! Yipee! Skipee! Woo Hoo! She's actually "Glamazon the Mormon Mom" who I stumbled across following another blog. But here's the thing, Glammy. I love you much better than the other person. But she doesn't know that, so don't go spreading rumors! Okay, you can. They'll all be jealous and mention me on their "What I meant to say..." or "Post its." I'll be black listed. She said she gave me this award because I have funny stories and on of her favorites was about Easter. I tried to find a favorite post of hers but I have resolved to not having a favorite one. I love everything she writes, funny or serious. I really love her Friday Confessionals and I nearly wet myself when I read them. I tried to play along once. I just can't be too consistent at this point in life. I just want to thank her again for not giving me "that other award" because I would have to be way too creative for it! But thanks Glammy, for thinking my blog brings you sunshine.

Now I'm passing it on to five others who bring sunshine in my life:

1. Kyann who is really funny. I love her observations in life.
2 Pearl because she is really funny, too! I try not to hate her because she has no booty.
3. Serene who is so much fun to read and once again - she is another funny lady! Are you seeing a pattern here? These are the women who inspire me!
4. Fiona who is my sister-in-law in Oz (Tasmania to be exact - and yes they speak English there) and hers is more of a family blog, but it still brings sunshine in my life.
5. FiFi who has been on vacation for the last month, but I think it's time for her to come back. One of my fave stories of hers is "Mother: Another Word for" and I think I like the "Avoiding an Affair Part 1 & Part 2." She touches on mid-life crisis. Maybe this award will inspire her to come back from vacation! Go and show her some bloggy love!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Seinfeld Bathroom Experience

This story is not for the faint of heart. If bathroom humor offends you stop right here.

There's certain things that you just shouldn't have to frantically search for. Like car keys when you're in a hurry. Children in the mall. Immodium. Toilet paper in a public bathroom.

My friend and I went to a new shopping mall a few weeks after it opened. Nature called and we visited the shiny new public potty. As I search for a seat I always make sure there is toilet paper which in real life I call "loo roll." I looked in the nearest stall, nope. No loo roll. The stall next to it had plenty so I went in. I heard two obnoxious ladies walk in and they were talking very loudly. I heard the door next to me close.

Now I referred to these ladies as being obnoxious because they were talking very loudly, as if no one else was around. I think there should be some unspoken law that you don't talk to people when you're on the toilet. Not that it takes a lot of concentration to relieve oneself, but doesn't it seem a little weird? Maybe it's just me. "How's it going, Tinklebell?" "It'll work itself out in the end." Weird stuff.

I knew the lady who occupied the loo next to me didn't have any toilet paper. She hasn't come to that realization yet because of her conversation. Then it happened. First, a gurgle and then a squirt. Then noises you wouldn't want others to hear. But it didn't bother her, "Yeah, and wasn't that shirt so cute? I couldn't pay that much for it." Then some whistles, toots and honks. She carried on her conversation as if nothing was happening, except a flight of geese flying overhead. "So what did she say when you told her?" Her bowels were exploding. There was splashing and pouring between the flatulence. She was what I deemed as "losing her guts." I was sitting in my stall with tears running down my face because I knew she had no loo roll. I was shaking violently with silent laughter. I couldn't come out because I know I would be laughing uncontrollably.

Then she said as loudly as she had the rest of her conversation, "Oh no." That was it. I was in fits.

"What's wrong?" her friend asks.

"There's no toilet paper in here. Would you mind handing me a few paper towels?" This reminded me of Seinfeld's "Can you spare a square?" I could hear the paper towel dispenser in use. "Which stall are you in?" She asks.

"Right here. I'll stick my foot out," she answers.

You could hear the exchange of the paper towels. "Thanks." Then you could hear the rustling of the paper towels and flushing of the toilet. Meanwhile, she is still having conversation like nothing is happening. "Could you hand me one or two more paper towels?"

"How many do you want?"

Ppppppptttttttt! (That's the sound of guts being expelled.) "Make that two."

How I did not burst out laughing at this point I don't know. I'm really bad especially when I know I'm not supposed to laugh. As soon as they left the bathroom I came out and fell into laughter as I recited the event to my friend. This friend, however, doesn't really appreciate bathroom humor though she did say, "Oh my gosh!" and laughed a little. Of course my husband found it hysterical and often asks me to share "that bathroom story" with friends who love a good public bathroom story.

Once in a public lavatory I heard a little girl in her stall saying, "One poopy plop." Pause. "Two poopy plops...." and so on. And I'm sure we've all had our toddlers embarrass us by asking us if we were doing a number one or two in the bathroom. Or they announce that it stinks. Let me know if you post any funny public potty stories.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Enquiring Minds Want to Know

I had some questions asked of me from "Anonymous." Since anonymous could be a number of people, I'm not sure who I am answering. Male, Female? Mean, Nice? I think if I was going to ask myself questions I would have asked something like, "What is your secret to good humor?" or something along those lines.

I was asked what Jared (my hubby) did for me for Mother's Day and why didn't I post anything about that. Well, my darling husband got me some flowers and a box of chocolates. Not just any box of chocolates.....Lindt Lindor. And once again I accused him of trying to make me fat(ter) and he always says, "I don't care if you get fat. I love you." I know. Isn't he a jewel? He really is good to me. He then slept for most of the afternoon and cooked frozen fish for dinner (which I didn't think was very blog worthy, in fact I was a little annoyed he slept all afternoon) and then we went to see my mom who lives about six miles away. We came home and he called his mum in Australia on Skype. I elaborated my children's activities because they didn't do anything for my birthday and I made a big deal about it in one of my posts, so I thought I would update whether Santa was coming this year. I feel I do so much for them, so the least they could do is make me feel special!

I probably didn't blog about that because I try to keep my blog posts somewhat short. I know people are really busy - including me. I work full-time as a secretary for our school district for wonderful people who have moved out of the high school special ed. programs and want to work.

I then go to school three nights a week studying graphic design. You know how some kids know what they want to be when they grow up and they work towards that goal and know exactly what they were put on earth for? That wasn't me. I never knew what I wanted to be except a wife and a mother. My natural talent would be in visual art, but my insecurities have never made me a competitive person and I took my talent for granted "because there are a lot of other people out there who are better than me." I know, that sounds really dumb. Just understand to be artistic you have to have a little bit of a dark or weird side. We all think differently and that's what makes the world a great place. I went into graphic design because of my love for creative things but unfortunately my creative juices are nothing but a fine dust at the moment. Which brings me to the third question.

I have another blog called "Spiritually Speaking." I share my conversion story and other things spiritual but it has been sorely neglected. A friend asked me why I separate the two and my answer is: I don't want to target my readers to just LDS people. I have a lot of friends who don't share my faith and I don't want them to feel as if they can't read my blog because they can't relate. I'm not the kind that can just sit down and start writing and it turns out wonderful. I think very deeply about what I share on that blog and I know I'm in the middle of telling about my friend's conversion. I then have my mission to London to share and lots of wonderful experiences since then. Why don't I just do it? Well, I'm taking Photoshop in school right now and a lot of my pictures need a little "lighting" and touch ups. They have faded with time, just like my other blog.

And the fourth and final question - yes, Anonymous, you are appreciated. I know some bloggers write comments to their commentor comments. I rarely go back to a blog to check to see if the blogger has commented to my comment and I assumed other people were like that too. Though some comment on comments on a regular basis. I sometimes go to my commentor's blogs and answer their comment there. I'm usually a very good commentor. If you don't have a blog, sign it "Anonymous in the blue hat" or something and I will know you from the other anonymous people.

Nothing funny today, friends. I'll work on it though.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dog Food Reviews

It's been a whole week since I last posted. Since it's "Oh My Heck Wednesday" I thought I would share a funny little story with you.

Mimi was opening a can of dog food, you know, the kind that you pull the ring on the top. As the lid snapped off the can a chunk went flying into the air and landed right in her mouth. She shouted, "Ew! A chunk got in my mouth!" Then she smacked her lips a couple of times and said, "Mmm. Not bad."

My experience with dog food was when I was just her age - fourth grade. We lived in North Carolina and we had a golden mutt that we named Thai. As in Thailand - that's where my dad was at the time on TDY for the Air Force. I borrowed a book about dog species from the school library and my five year old brother and I looked through the book, studying all the species and trying to find out just what kind of dog Thai was.

Page by page, getting distracted by all the species, the big ones, the tiny ones, the fluffy ones and then we found it. We were convinced that Thai was a genuine Dingo from Australia. We told all of our friends that Thai was a Dingo. This was about 1975 when most Americans didn't even know what language they spoke in Australia, and a few years before the movie Grease and way before Crocodile Dundee.
I remember pouring Thai some dried dog nuggets and I wondered what they tasted like, so I threw a nugget in my mouth and started crunching away. I then spat it out almost as quickly as it went in. Why did Thai get so excited to eat petrified poop? I don't think I had ever tasted poop before to my knowledge, but it tasted exactly like the smell of poop. I lost a little respect in my dog that day, but it faded quickly. I never touched his food again. Or any other dog's food, for that matter. When it comes to good food, how can you trust a species that identifies others by the smell of their butt holes?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Peeping/Pooping Toms

I work for a company that employs people with disabilities. We have a production area that some disabled adults work in. We refer to them as clients and even kids, because they are just like kids. Work is like a box of never know what you're gonna get. Sometimes I answer multiple phone calls from the same person in one day. Sometimes people call me for directions and they have to call multiple times from their cell phone as they are on their way. "I see that store, now where do I go?" Some of them we are scared of because they have a driver's license.

I needed to use the ladies room one day last week. I was the only one in the three stall loo and had just sat down when I heard the bathroom door open and close. Next thing I know there were two sneakers under my door. One of the clients had made their way to our side of the building and was peeking through my bathroom door. She turned and left as soon as she saw whatever it was she was looking for, or not. I thought of all the funny things I could have done, like yell at her to "get the hell out of here" or maybe moon her. Unprofessional that would have been. But funny. I told the supervisor in the back and she said she always does that. So I guess I'm not special.

My friend/coworker shared her experience with a client. The client was yelling that she needed a plastic bag as she was holding a wet paper bag. She was making quite a scene and yelling, "I need a plastic bag for my hairspray!" Kate told her she didn't have a plastic bag and maybe ask another worker. This settled her and she said she would ask someone else and would Kate hold her bag for her while she asked. Kate held the wet paper bag, which she discovered had an odor. A very yucky odor. It didn't smell like hairspray. When the client came back Kate asked, "What is in this bag? It stinks!" Client says, "Oh. That's my dirty underwear." Ew.

Then this very same week we had a client who has Down's Syndrome come to the window. This client always wears a baseball cap and never smiles. He said in his very slow, quiet voice, "I'm sorry to bother you."

"What do you need, Ross?" we asked him.

"I'm sorry to bother you." Big sigh. "Well," sigh, "I went to the bafroom," sigh, "A while ago," sigh, and then holds his hands level to his shoulders, "and it was this big." Sigh. "And my stomach hurts." Sigh. "I don't feel good." I'm thinking his intestines probably needed time to adjust to their new position in his gut. We didn't laugh while he was there. You're probably wondering what I said to that. It was something like this: "You'll probably start feeling better since you went to the bathroom." One of the other secretaries said, "Krista, if you don't want to help another person at that window today, we'll understand."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Five Things

Diane at Contentedly Neurotic tagged me with this meme. I love the name of Diane's blog. I was thinking of naming my blog something similar, like "Delightfully Disturbed," "Satisfiably Psychotic" or "Medicated Zombie." What do you think? I just googled a thesaurus and another word for "content" is "fat dumb and happy." I kid you not! I figured I may have to change the name of my blog in a few years, anyway, to "Shades of Gray" or maybe "Postcards from the Asylum." Meme's are great when you lack material to blog about, not in the mood, or too busy to think - which is me (too busy to think). Here we go:

1. Where were you five years ago?

We were in the process of selling our house and building the house we are in now. We lived in a two bedroom apartment because they didn't have any three bedroom apartments left in the complex. I just realized we must have spent Christmas there and I can't remember it at all. It must've been traumatic. We put the two girls in the bedroom and had Seth sleeping in the room that was supposed to be the dining room. In the kitchen you couldn't swing a dead cat or you'd hit all three walls. There were boxes everywhere and wall to wall stuff that didn't fit in our storage unit. Traumatic.

2. Where would you like to be in five years? Right here in my same neighborhood. Moving was a big job and I hope to never do it again. Not until I'm wearing a night gown all day and can't remember my name. Financially stable would be a good place to be.

3. What is on your to do list? This is my night off, so there's not much I want to do. So I'll take this as on my bucket list: Go to Africa and South America so I can say I've been to six of the seven continents. We're thinking an Amazon cruise would be fun. Is there much shopping in Africa? Maybe Morocco or Egypt, that's still Africa. In case you're wondering about the seventh continent - I have no desire to go to Antarctica - maybe when global warming settles a little more.

4. What are five snacks that you enjoy? Chocolate. Chocolate chip cookies. Nuts. Smoked Mussels. Cheesecake.

5. What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire? You know, that's a lot of money. I'd even settle for one million. 1. Buy my dream house in my same neighborhood, completely finished and furnished to my "groovy" style. Landscape finished. Nothing for hubby to do except fan me. 2. Buy houses for my dad, brother, sister, mom, Jared's parents and put money aside for the kids to buy houses. 3. So we're still talking a billion, right. Buy a condo in Australia so we have a place of our own to stay at and visit whenever we want without putting anyone out. 4. Hire a housekeeper, like Alice on the Brady Bunch. One that speaks English would be great. And if she knows how to cook low fat meals, do deep tissue massage and is a personal trainer that would be a surety in getting the job. 5. Open an affordable older folks home for older folks who want to continue living and having fun while they do it. My mom would tell me there needs to be a "no complaining zone." Her words would be a little different than mine (mine would just be under my breath). Wait - there's more! I still have leftover money! Lots of it! Bwahahaha! I'd be a student forever! I'd go to Disneyland! I'd travel the world! I'd get liposuction! I'd have a royal butt wiper! I'd buy a cabin in the woods! A boob funds.....peace on earth good will to men!

Ooops! I forgot to tag five people:

Lisa at Blue and Shoe because I just love that girl!

Pearl at I Has No Booty because she has already spent a million dollars in her last post. Now she has more to spend!

Linda at See Mom Smile cause she always makes me smile (and laugh hard!)

Serene at Serene Is My Name, Not My Life because she is so darn cute!

Kyann at Sanity Is Overrated because she is so right about sanity.

All of these women are humorous and I am an avid follower of all of them. And with my billion dollars we're all going on a Disney cruise! Dreaming again....going to bed now!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

I know some of you are wondering what happened at my house for Mother's Day. Did my kids acknowledge me? Will there be Christmas this year? You remembered what happened at my birthday!

Mimi was the first awake. She was cranky as she always is in the morning. She handed me a Toblerone candy bar and says begrudgingly, "This is what Dad bought for me to give you, 'cause he wouldn't take me shopping to get you a present." Then she handed me two cards and still in her grumpy tone she said, "I made this one in Primary and I made this one in school. Dad wouldn't take me shopping."

Then Ali came up and handed me a store bag from the store she works at and inside were some earrings and a necklace. She hugged me and told me Happy Mother's Day. She got me some ice in a bag because my eye was all swollen and I had a big bag under it.

Seth gave me a metal rose that was handcrafted. He also wrote me a beautiful letter. He said in one part, "I've been thinking about all the favorite memories I have with you but I've literally been thinking for half an hour because there are so many....just a few of them though are - when I was a kid you taught me songs like "Gallump said the little green frog" and "How much is that doggie in the window." When I remember them it's your voice that sings them still." Is that so sweet? I use to sing a lot with the kids.

So, I guess Santa will come this year. I was going to give Jared the budget and let him do everything if the kids forgot me. I hope all of you had a great Mother's Day.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Real Evolution

Once again, an e-mail inspired this post. Some of those things inspire one to think a little deeper. The lady in the top left, "Don't take the picture yet, I can't quit giggling." Lady under her....Aunt Bee?

Directly under the sign as she says to the woman to the left, "George, why are you wearing my clothes again? Just wait til we get home!"

Front center in a squeaky voice, "Does anyone know a good chiropractor?" To the right, "When can I stop fasting?"

Woman at the top right, "I think I just invented the thong."

I did a little research on this photo. It was wondered if these ladies were posing and making fun of the prohibition, that they were purposely making themselves ugly, that a woman on the right was "giving herself a double chin." I ask, how do you give yourself a double chin? I mean, don't you have one or not? I guess if you have one you can create illusions with it by sticking your head out and making it disappear and pulling it back to make it appear again. I'll be back in a sec, I've got to check something out in the mirror. As if.

When I received this e-mail it said, "Mormon Women 1919." Which is arguably before the prohibition. Then I wondered if they might all be married to the same man, who was driven to drink. Nope - polygamy ended long before then. It reminded me of what Mark Twain said about polygamists:

"With the gushing self-sufficiency of youth I was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve a great reform here - until I saw the Mormon women. Then I was touched. My heart was wiser than my head. It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically "homely" creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, "No - the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their harsh censure - and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence."

Mormon women have evolved. I say we get a bunch of us together and recreate that photo. The bars would be empty. Breweries would be going out of business and wanting bail outs. No more half-time commercials. We'd have to open kissing booths just to accommodate everyone. It would be equivalent to Alcoholics Anonymous but drier. The gutters would be empty. Mark Twain would be eating his words.

Monday, May 3, 2010

All For You

This weekend was really hectic - no time to write a word
So I thought I would share this darling little bird.
Gertrude McFuzz finds her neighbor
All cause her courage didn't waiver.

"All For You" sung by my Ali, who is a junior in high school.