Tuesday, September 23, 2008

When Nature Attacks

I was going through a box of very old photos the other day and came across these hilarious pictures. Most of my friends and family know I absolutely hate getting my picture taken. I am the least photogenic person in the world!

This is when a brown Christmas tree was attacking my head. The year - 1983 and I believe it was Spring. I know that because I didn't wear my hair like that the next year of school. Or ever again, for that matter. Except when we had an 80's party and I put my hair in hot rollers and it fell right back into place! It was like muscle memory, Dude!
This next photo I was being attacked twice at the same moment!
First, a big red shirt was attacking my torso! Then a bunch of lorikeets attacked me. One even tried to make a nest on my head! Though I don't think it had to make much of an effort to make a nest, it looks like it was pre-fabricated. Don't you miss banana clips?

Now the only thing in nature that is attacking me is age. It's getting harder to pull off 29.

I showed my teens these pictures and they both said, "You look the same. Just different hair." They were so nice to not say I looked heaps older or bigger! So, friends that have seen me within the last few years, do you think they look like me?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Suicide in Installments

Yep! It is what it is! Sloooow suicide. I've been meeting with Drill Sergeant Annie and she's been great. No pain, no gain. I should have a lot of gain.

She had me doing some new crunches (hate crunches!) and as I lay there on the floor like a limp noodle, ready to spit out blood, she says, "Okay, give me two more sets!"

As I was panting, mustering up all the voice I could, I squeak, "Today?"

She chuckles and says in her authoritative voice, "Yes. Today!" She chuckles again and says, "I've never had anyone ask me that before."

Later on she starts throwing this rubber kick ball up in the air and catching it while demonstrating a squat. She says, "Okay, your turn." She hands me the ball and as my elasticised arms hit the floor I said, "You didn't tell me it was heavy." This is where I expected my buff little friend to say, "It's not!" but she didn't. She was so kind.

Some people do this for fun. Not me. I'm doing it out of necessity. I'm trying to commit suicide and this was the absolute hardest way I could think of doing it. Nice and gradual, not too obvious. At least I will weigh less when I have to be carried in my coffin. I would like to allocate Annie as my poll bearer. I'll only need one. She could just tuck my coffin under her buff little arm and run me down the road and barely break a sweat.

Thanks, Dr. Kevorkian - I mean Annie. See you Wednesday.

Rated Aaaaaargh!

Ahoy there, Mateys! Did you know yesterday was "International Talk Like a Pirate" Day? Shiver me timbers! Just when you thought you heard it all! First, National Underwear Day and now we be havin' to listen to a bunch of scallywags puttin' on terrible, awful accents! That's all I'll say about "Talk Like a Pirate Day" - I'll be sure to mark my calendar for next year! The history of the day is pretty fun if you click on the link. I could invent a few "days" myself.

This wench could shout "aaaaaargh" for me own reasons! (Help! I can't stop talking like a pirate!) Me computer keeps kickin' me off the Internet! That's a good 'ol pirate word, Internet! I could go all sorts of places with that one, but I'll spare you from the torture.

So here's your question: What "day" would you like recognized?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Thank You, I'm Honored

My friend Nicole sent me this award. It is an honor to receive it. I actually like reading her blog and she always gives me a good laugh. And especially makes me glad that I don't have to change diapers anymore!

I will cherish this award. My first. I won't let it go to my head, I promise. This has left me speechless for a change!

Now, I'd like to pass this on to Janine.

Monday, September 15, 2008

It's All about Meme!

My BFF Karen tagged me with this Meme. Since my last post was titled "Duh" and was actually one of the few serious entries I had, I thought I better have something else to meet any curious visitors. You know what they say about the company you keep, so I don't want to embarrass her. Well, I guess it's not too late yet.

1. Where were you 10 years ago?

Ten years ago we had moved into our first house in the USA. I was having fun decorating and getting to know new neighbors, who some have remained on the list of friends to this day. Especially my BFF!

2. What's on your to do list today?

I have accomplished my to do list today. I stayed awake all day! And I also exercised, turned in a job application AND did grocery shopping! I forgot to mention I did six loads of laundry! I think an alien took over my body. I just need a Stepford Wife dress and I'll be good to go!

3. What if you were a Billionaire?

I'd be rich! I would get out of debt, put money in a trust for my kids, buy a vacation home in Australia, travel to Africa and South America so I can say I've been to every continent except Antarctica. No desire to go there - I hate the cold! I would like to be a philanthropist.

4. Name five places you have lived:

This is how I categorize my memories as to which state I lived in at the time.

1. Mississippi - where I spent 1st and 2nd grade. We played in the woods and caught frogs.

2. Florida - 3rd grade where I learned to set a booby trap and thought I would be able to teach frogs how to dance (like on the old Hannah/Barberra cartoons) and they would be famous. Freddy and Freida Frog. Also my friendship with Frankie (who had more Barbies and a much better Barbie wardrobe than I did) started here.

3. Utah - I went to half of 4th until 7th grade and came back for high school. High school was a very memorable time with many life changing experiences that changed my life forever. Most of the experiences were good!

4. London, England - My experiences from high school led me to go to England for humanitarian services. I lived there for 18 months and this was a "Life School" for me. I've never known so many crazy people in my life! I got serenaded on a bus (very embarrassing), propositioned from a guy who thought he was Prince Charming who asked me to try on a feathered high heel he carried around in a paper bag, and had to control my laughter more than ever in my life. Laughter control I should have listed as a bad habit. I also met the man I married there.

5. Brisbane, Australia - I lived there for seven years with my Aussie husband, became a dual citizen and had two Aussie kids. Now we're all dual citizens which I call us Yaussies - half Yank, half Aussie.

5. What are three bad habits you have?

1. Gosh, it's really hard to think of three.....that I can publish anyway. Well, there's this one that's considered a bad habit by some, but I consider it a talent. If you are my good friend, you know what it is!

2. Another bad habit (or talent) is I am totally addicted to Sudoku and word puzzles. Not crosswords, but others (Logic, Places Please, etc.) Sometimes I start them at 11 pm and lose track of time and then notice it's 2 am! Usually, I stop because my hand protests and I pay for it the next day.

3. Sometimes I go into too much detail when I verbally tell a story and put people to sleep. And I wonder where Mimi gets it. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz! I love blogging for that reason. I can get my thoughts together before spitting them out.

4. Sometimes the "D" or "H" word comes out. Please note my disclaimer: They are not swear words in Australia! At least I didn't say them in Sunday School like my husband! Oh, was I only supposed to name three? I guess I got on a roll!

6. What kind of snack do you like?

I LOVE whole natural almonds and occasionally chocolate. I crave protein more than sweets ever since I had the beast within me removed in June.

7. Who will you tag next?

My Dad
Kangaroo Rodeo

Friday, September 12, 2008


Today I was looking over Mimi's school work and at the bottom of a math page was this question: What digit is in the ten thousands place in the number six hundred three thousand, twenty-one. Explain how you found your answer. Her explanation: "I looked at the numbers and thought." Her answer was marked wrong by the teacher. But of course, I found it especially funny.

I'm wondering myself what is the correct answer. I know it's zero, but how do you explain it without sounding like an idiot. "Because it's in the ten thousands place?" Then you would be repeating the question. Wouldn't that be silly? Now I'm thinking Mimi's answer wasn't so bad. "I used my brain and I'm just a little smarter than the average bear." "Why do you need an explanation?" "Because in the number 603,021 a zero is in the ten thousands place." I think next time she should write, "It was a lucky guess."

I just don't understand how to explain. My answer would be "Math is my best subject and I just get it." I have a bit of an issue with third grade curriculum anyway. Here's a test: What is a predicate? Do you know the answer? I'm sure most of you do because most of my friends are geniuses, so go and ask a neighbor. Chances are they don't know the answer. You know why? Because who cares what a predicate is unless you are an English major?! And also, why do they waste their time on "mean, median and mode" and the "stem and leaf" method? No one uses that unless you're a statistician. Most of us are familiar with finding "averages" (mean) and have to do that occasionally. But I haven't ever needed to know the mode or median of anything, except to pass a test. Same with the quadratic formula - but that was my choice taking advanced algebra in high school. I got an A in the course but haven't used it since then.

So, why would we be throwing this into the third grade curriculum when our kids are having a hard enough time learning times tables and cursive writing? The predicates, means, modes and medians are all out the door by fourth grade. I've never had to identify a predicate in my adult life. Though I'm sure I've unconsciously used them often, almost every sentence to be exact!

I had to call my BFF to share Mimi's funny answer and her comment was, "She's definitely your daughter, isn't she?"

So, my issue is: when our children are lagging behind other states in education, why are we feeding them useless information? Does anyone agree?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Have You Gained Weight?

Isn't it funny that people ask, "Have you lost weight?" but they never ask, "Have you gained weight?" I wonder what kind of reaction that would bring. Turn the tables and say, "What have you been doing? You look like you've gained weight. Tell me the secret!"

"Is your butt getting bigger? Is that a new chin?" Or the real live question that I have personally been asked about ten years ago, "Are you pregnant?" They don't ask me that now because........maybe I look too old? Or my butt's caught up with my gut and I look more balanced?

There is just so much pressure to be thin! Especially if you used to be thin and you're not anymore. Sometimes I pray before I leave my house, "Please don't let me run into any old boyfriends today." I can just hear them saying, "Wow, she blimped out." Well, hello! It's hard not to get bigger than a size three!!!! That's the bad thing, there's no place to go but out!

What really sucks is when you have a husband that looks like a warped toothpick. I have a saying, "Thou shalt not weigh more than thy husband." What if he had to carry you out in a fire or something?

I guess on a positive note, the fat stretches out the wrinkles a bit, so you look a little younger. What's the use of being skinny if you look like a prune? And if the wind blows, you don't need to carry any rocks in your pockets.

Just A Few More Shots of Oz

I just had to include a few more shots of Brisbane. I didn't have time to do much bloggin' while I was in Oz, so I'll just put a few more pictures in and then I will shut up about it! Ha! Brisbane metro from across the Brissy River. What a lovely city!

A tender moment shared between big brother and little sister. Seth and Mimi are collecting seashells for one of Mimi's many collections.
I guess if you have to do it, you may as well look cute doing it! Ali has been begging us to put up a clothesline ever since this. Right!

Believe it or not, this is a car turned into an aquarium. You can see a little fish in the driver's seat, which in America is the passenger seat. Lucky he has GPS Navigation, because he can't see over the dashboard.

"Who you callin'
Ali taking a different
per-spective on sea life.