Anxious About Arthroplasty

Well, only a week and a half and I will be having surgery on my right hand. This would be my dominant hand. I'm looking forward to having my hand feel better, but I'm not looking forward to the initial pain of having a bone taken out of my wrist. I've read that this surgery is usually very successful and people have increased strength in their grip. I won't bore you with all the details, but if you're interested you can have a peek at this.

I do need to say I'm much too young for arthritis. I told the Orthopedic Surgeon that it's an old hitch-hiking injury. I actually have a bone spur on my wrist bone. They're going to do "Excisional Arthroplasty" and put a piece of tendon from my forearm in it's place. Ewww! I lied about not sparing you the details.

In preparation for my surgery, I've been practising doing things with my left hand. I'm very afraid! Do you know how hard it is to use your left hand for things? How am I going to put deodorant on my left armpit? I have some visuals, but you wouldn't want me to share them. I don't know how I would get back up off the floor anyway.

Can mascara actually blind you? My hair!!! My physical appearance is at stake! My personal hygiene is going to go to pot.

BUT....

Here's the worst thought.......how am I going to wipe my......oh crap! I mean - I've been trying it out and I may need to hire a royal butt wiper. I know, I should use my friends for that to give them the chance to serve their fellow being - and many have offered mind you. BUT (everyone I know has one) I just couldn't let them. I'm one of those type of people that if I hired a cleaning lady I would have to clean before she got here. The good news is I still have a week and a half to keep practising.

If you're still talking to me after all this information I would appreciate any form of entertainment for the week and a half I will be home. Except for the day I scheduled going to the dentist (I figured if I was going to be on pain killers already - what the heck!) I should have some really fun postings when I'm under the influence. Remember this from my last surgery?

Suicide in Installments

Yep! It is what it is! Sloooow suicide. I've been meeting with Drill Sergeant Annie and she's been great. No pain, no gain. I should have a lot of gain.

She had me doing some new crunches (hate crunches!) and as I lay there on the floor like a limp noodle, ready to spit out blood, she says, "Okay, give me two more sets!"

As I was panting, mustering up all the voice I could, I squeak, "Today?"

She chuckles and says in her authoritative voice, "Yes. Today!" She chuckles again and says, "I've never had anyone ask me that before."

Later on she starts throwing this rubber kick ball up in the air and catching it while demonstrating a squat. She says, "Okay, your turn." She hands me the ball and as my elasticised arms hit the floor I said, "You didn't tell me it was heavy." This is where I expected my buff little friend to say, "It's not!" but she didn't. She was so kind.

Some people do this for fun. Not me. I'm doing it out of necessity. I'm trying to commit suicide and this was the absolute hardest way I could think of doing it. Nice and gradual, not too obvious. At least I will weigh less when I have to be carried in my coffin. I would like to allocate Annie as my poll bearer. I'll only need one. She could just tuck my coffin under her buff little arm and run me down the road and barely break a sweat.

Thanks, Dr. Kevorkian - I mean Annie. See you Wednesday.

Prosecuters Point at Penny Press for Puzzling Pain

My pulsating pain is proof the promotion of puzzles (particularly "Places Please" puzzles) propogates pain in people's palms. I propose to prosecute Penny Press Publications who profits profoundly from people who are prone to palm pain. Prompt professional proceedings to prioritize this problem prevents prodding for pricey, pragmatic pressings. "Places Please" puzzles possess and pillage plausible people like a plague. Please pray the perpetual pain will perish and my prognosis will improve. I'm a painter in poignant peril, plummetting from my pale pallette. Prescribed Prozac pills doesn't prevent persistant pain and personality problems. Perhaps people pooh-pooh at this preposterous pursuit, but prepare for prolonged pain in your palm.....and pupils - if I don't prevail.

Try reading this with freshly applied lip gloss! Now I will publish post.