Sunday, February 20, 2011

Two Tonsillectomies

Have you ever been with someone that isn't very talkative? Do you feel the need to fill in for the lack of conversation and start talking incessantly and next thing you know you've told them your life story? Then you find yourself lying there on the floor in fetal position under the coffee table with your bishop's phone number on speed dial and you feel really stupid because this person knows everything about you and you know nothing about them? Me neither.

You may have noticed I haven't been around much since November. Well, without going into details that would even cause a maggot to barf let's just say I have had some issues. With my throat. The Mayor of Whoville and I have something in common, besides the fact that we're both Republican.He boasted that he had 2 tonsillectomies. In November, I had my second tonsillectomy as an adult. The first one was about 8 years ago. I knew what was coming. I knew just how bad it was going to be. I knew better than to try to eat Spagettios. I didn't know I would be struggling three months later with voice complications. I have spent six weeks out of the last three months with no voice. I see trying to communicate with people other than verbally a complication. Some see it as a blessing. Smart @$$es.

I clap my hands or whistle to get people's attention. I have to play Charades and try to get people to understand what I'm saying. I feel like an idiot. A frustrated idiot. So, I'm going to start using a dice with sayings on it so people don't have to guess what I'm saying. Since there are six sides I will only have six sayings. Of course, there are the two obvious answers, "yes" and "no". For crutial answers that need to be answered verbally, side 3 will read: "Read My Lips" also known as "I can't remember".

Side 4: "Whatever" or "Crickets Chirping" or "I did not inhale."

Side 5: "That doesn't even deserve an answer" or "Come a little closer so I can slap you."

Sides 6: "I heard you, I'm just ignoring you."

I have a lot to catch you up on, and since I'm spending much less time on the phone and giving public speeches I should have more time now.