My Seinfeld Bathroom Experience

This story is not for the faint of heart. If bathroom humor offends you stop right here.

There's certain things that you just shouldn't have to frantically search for. Like car keys when you're in a hurry. Children in the mall. Immodium. Toilet paper in a public bathroom.

My friend and I went to a new shopping mall a few weeks after it opened. Nature called and we visited the shiny new public potty. As I search for a seat I always make sure there is toilet paper which in real life I call "loo roll." I looked in the nearest stall, nope. No loo roll. The stall next to it had plenty so I went in. I heard two obnoxious ladies walk in and they were talking very loudly. I heard the door next to me close.

Now I referred to these ladies as being obnoxious because they were talking very loudly, as if no one else was around. I think there should be some unspoken law that you don't talk to people when you're on the toilet. Not that it takes a lot of concentration to relieve oneself, but doesn't it seem a little weird? Maybe it's just me. "How's it going, Tinklebell?" "It'll work itself out in the end." Weird stuff.

I knew the lady who occupied the loo next to me didn't have any toilet paper. She hasn't come to that realization yet because of her conversation. Then it happened. First, a gurgle and then a squirt. Then noises you wouldn't want others to hear. But it didn't bother her, "Yeah, and wasn't that shirt so cute? I couldn't pay that much for it." Then some whistles, toots and honks. She carried on her conversation as if nothing was happening, except a flight of geese flying overhead. "So what did she say when you told her?" Her bowels were exploding. There was splashing and pouring between the flatulence. She was what I deemed as "losing her guts." I was sitting in my stall with tears running down my face because I knew she had no loo roll. I was shaking violently with silent laughter. I couldn't come out because I know I would be laughing uncontrollably.

Then she said as loudly as she had the rest of her conversation, "Oh no." That was it. I was in fits.

"What's wrong?" her friend asks.

"There's no toilet paper in here. Would you mind handing me a few paper towels?" This reminded me of Seinfeld's "Can you spare a square?" I could hear the paper towel dispenser in use. "Which stall are you in?" She asks.

"Right here. I'll stick my foot out," she answers.

You could hear the exchange of the paper towels. "Thanks." Then you could hear the rustling of the paper towels and flushing of the toilet. Meanwhile, she is still having conversation like nothing is happening. "Could you hand me one or two more paper towels?"

"How many do you want?"

Ppppppptttttttt! (That's the sound of guts being expelled.) "Make that two."

How I did not burst out laughing at this point I don't know. I'm really bad especially when I know I'm not supposed to laugh. As soon as they left the bathroom I came out and fell into laughter as I recited the event to my friend. This friend, however, doesn't really appreciate bathroom humor though she did say, "Oh my gosh!" and laughed a little. Of course my husband found it hysterical and often asks me to share "that bathroom story" with friends who love a good public bathroom story.

Once in a public lavatory I heard a little girl in her stall saying, "One poopy plop." Pause. "Two poopy plops...." and so on. And I'm sure we've all had our toddlers embarrass us by asking us if we were doing a number one or two in the bathroom. Or they announce that it stinks. Let me know if you post any funny public potty stories.