All in a Week

How do you go from this:

To this

in the same week? I actually had nightmares about wasps the same night I took this photo. So really, how do you go from snow to Spring and back to snow? I hope it killed all those horrible wasps.

I have a nightmare story about a hornet. When I lived in Australia it was a well-known fact that I was petrified of bugs. PETRIFIED - I say. I still am, but our bugs here seem relatively small in comparison. Entomophobia is the fear of bugs. If you say it real fast it kind of sounds like "enema-phobia." I'm afraid of those, too.

I must explain that those Aussies are tough people. I don't think I met one wimp in the seven years I lived there. They thought I was a bit of a freak to be afraid of bugs. They don't need modern conveniences like dryers, furnaces and air-conditioners in Queensland. They open their windows to let the fresh air in and who needs screens? What's a little preying mantis, Christmas beetle or wasp? Just get the fly swatter out and smash 'em, right?

One sunny day, I noticed a humongous wasp flew in my living room window. It flew right into my shadow box and flew back out. A minute later it flew back in, went to the same section in the shadow box and flew back out. PETRIFIED I was. It did this a few more times and I realized it may be making it's home in my shadow box. I slammed down the window and every window in my house in the blazing hot summer. It flew to the window, trying to get in and then to my kitchen window. It was after me. So when I called my husband at work and told him he had to come home to kill "a stinging thing that was after me," he thought I was over-exaggerating.

"I have to leave this house! It's after me! It's going to get me!"

In his Aussie accent he said, "Just wait 'til I get home tonight, I'll get it then," trying to be sympathetic.

"I can't stay inside with the windows down with the kids!" I scooped them up and put them in the car. I saw the hornet still flying around the window. I drove to my in-laws. I told them about "the stinging thing that was after me." They, too, thought I was exaggerating. I never exaggerate, so I don't get it. They laughed at me and assured me it wasn't actually after me. I called Jared from there and told him I wasn't coming home. I know he was laughing inside and probably annoyed by my phobia. He got used to me screaming every time I opened a kitchen cupboard when I found TWO INCH COCKROACHES lying on their backs with their legs still moving, moving ever so slowly, dying from the pesticide. Shudder.

He called his parents house to talk to me. "You won't believe this!" he said excitedly. "As soon as I came home and opened the window it flew in and it came after me! But don't worry, I've killed it, you can come home now." And that is why he is like my own personal Steve Irwin. "Aw, it's just a little fella with a stinger on it's rear. It won't harm you unless you provoke it to defend itself." I never exaggerate when it comes to bugs. And this one was after me.

Things You Wish You Didn't Know

Don't you hate it when you know certain things and you wish you didn't know them? Like I wish a certain person hadn't told me their self-righteous, angel-faced spouse had two affairs. I hate that kind of information. Because what do you do with that information? It's like you kinda want to tell others but you know you shouldn't because then they have the information stuck in their head and they wish they didn't.

Like in high school when I learned in Science that Jello was made out of bones. It was kind of exciting to have that kind of information but you wish you didn't have it at the same time. So I decided to share this great tidbit at lunch when there was a nice square of Jello with a dob of whipped cream on the top.

Krista, age 16: "Do you know what Jello is really made of?"

Maureen, age 17, as she drops her utensils, throws her head back in disgust and immediately stops chewing her food: "Do you know how long it took me to forget that?"

Guess who had two servings of Jello that day? I actually don't eat gelatin very often and when I do I always think of bones.

Here's a love/hate scenario: I LOVE chocolate. Chocolate cake, chocolate

cookies, chocolate cheesecake, chocolate candy.

Okay, focus here. Focus.

I HATE bugs. Which is one reason I didn't do Australia well. Which is why I have to share this picture of my second cousin once removed-in-law with a very spooky critter on his head. I can barely look at this photo. Which is why I made the picture small. Back to bugs. When I lived in Australia I was seeing a Naturopath and she gave me an article she though would cure my addiction to chocolate.

This is the part where you may want to push "Next Blog" at the top of the page. Well....er....uh

....I even googled to confirm this information since it was over ten years old. I'll just tell you and then you will have to decide what to do with this information. It is apparently impossible to prevent cockroaches from contaminating the vats in which chocolate is manufactured. The FDA says that up to 4% by weight may legitimately contain "cockroach parts." People that have allergies to chocolate are usually allergic to the cockroach content. Some people experience allergic reactions such as asthma, headache, heartburn, rectal itching, hives, skin rashes. Did you just read over "rectal itching" like it was nothing? "Excuse me, I just had a Hershey bar and I gotta go scratch my butt." Like, how do you figure these things out? What kind of research study groups figure that out? How do you know it wasn't just a coincidence? Maybe the testers had a diet of nothing but chocolate for two weeks and were scootin' around like dogs with worms.

Shudder.

So, I've had this information for years and like bones are to gelatin, cockroaches are to chocolate. I have a slight allergic reaction to chocolate - when I eat too much it makes my butt swell. And it still hasn't stopped me from eating it. But if you are cured, please tell!

Something's Bugging Me!

I was sitting on my couch watching TV and noticed this little tiny bug flying around. I swatted at it and it disappeared for awhile. A few minutes later it flew right into my left nostril! I blew my nose several times and never saw it in the tissue. So I went into the bathroom and squirt half a bottle of Simply Saline in my nose. It's little body never floated to the surface! I'M FREAKING OUT HERE!!! Friends who know me know that I have a serious phobia of bugs. I know my friend "and Karen" is really feeling for me.



How can bugs fly around so dizzily and be so accurate when it comes to flying in orafices? Well, now I'm freaked out because there could be a bug in my nose eating my brains. And yes, it would be in there for a very long time! Or worse, what if it is rotting in my sinus cavity as we speak? I can feel it in there! What if it lays eggs and emits a strange odor?



I awoke in the middle of the night a couple of years ago to a buzzing in my ear. I woke my husband and he got a flashlight to look in my ear. I told him not to tell me what it is so I don't freak out and this tiny little bug crawled toward the light. My husband shouts, "OH MY GOSH - THERE IT IS!" and wipes it out of my ear. Of course, I'm petrified yelling, "GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!! The Lord knows this is more than I can handle, so why would this happen to me of all people?



So how am I supposed to sleep knowing there is a bug tunneling in my head? "Go to the light, little bug!"