Thursday, January 21, 2010

Things You Wish You Didn't Know

Don't you hate it when you know certain things and you wish you didn't know them? Like I wish a certain person hadn't told me their self-righteous, angel-faced spouse had two affairs. I hate that kind of information. Because what do you do with that information? It's like you kinda want to tell others but you know you shouldn't because then they have the information stuck in their head and they wish they didn't.

Like in high school when I learned in Science that Jello was made out of bones. It was kind of exciting to have that kind of information but you wish you didn't have it at the same time. So I decided to share this great tidbit at lunch when there was a nice square of Jello with a dob of whipped cream on the top.

Krista, age 16: "Do you know what Jello is really made of?"

Maureen, age 17, as she drops her utensils, throws her head back in disgust and immediately stops chewing her food: "Do you know how long it took me to forget that?"

Guess who had two servings of Jello that day? I actually don't eat gelatin very often and when I do I always think of bones.

Here's a love/hate scenario: I LOVE chocolate. Chocolate cake, chocolate

cookies, chocolate cheesecake, chocolate candy.

Okay, focus here. Focus.

I HATE bugs. Which is one reason I didn't do Australia well. Which is why I have to share this picture of my second cousin once removed-in-law with a very spooky critter on his head. I can barely look at this photo. Which is why I made the picture small. Back to bugs. When I lived in Australia I was seeing a Naturopath and she gave me an article she though would cure my addiction to chocolate.
This is the part where you may want to push "Next Blog" at the top of the page.
....I even googled to confirm this information since it was over ten years old. I'll just tell you and then you will have to decide what to do with this information. It is apparently impossible to prevent cockroaches from contaminating the vats in which chocolate is manufactured. The FDA says that up to 4% by weight may legitimately contain "cockroach parts." People that have allergies to chocolate are usually allergic to the cockroach content. Some people experience allergic reactions such as asthma, headache, heartburn, rectal itching, hives, skin rashes. Did you just read over "rectal itching" like it was nothing? "Excuse me, I just had a Hershey bar and I gotta go scratch my butt." Like, how do you figure these things out? What kind of research study groups figure that out? How do you know it wasn't just a coincidence? Maybe the testers had a diet of nothing but chocolate for two weeks and were scootin' around like dogs with worms.
So, I've had this information for years and like bones are to gelatin, cockroaches are to chocolate. I have a slight allergic reaction to chocolate - when I eat too much it makes my butt swell. And it still hasn't stopped me from eating it. But if you are cured, please tell!


Kari said...

I had heard that about chocolate, but I put it up with the "listening to parents" genre and eat it anyway!
It does make me think that next time I eat chocolate I'll be keeping a closer eye out for spots that itch on my body!

Fiona said...

I am laughing my guts out, your excellent!!

DJ said...

eeewwwee! thanks Krista!!LOL!

Robin said...

I remember when you told me 'TMI' when we lived in Roy! I guess I'm allergic to cockroaches!! sidenote...doesn't stop me either:)

Gil said...

You have a very Bombeckian style! (That's not a bad thing because "The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank"... it's just that most people would never think to write a book about it.)
Anyway, I have the solution to the chocolate dilemma - only eat 96% of the chocolate that you buy, and throw the remaining 4% in the trash!! TA DAAAAAAA!

Robin said...

Krista, click on my picture...that should direct you to my blog.
Hope this one works!

Lisa said...

Oh my H, chick. Chocolate worm but scooching? Seriously. That is too great.

Nate and Sarah said...

EWE!!!! Thanks, I needed a GOOD reason to try to stay away from chocolate...not that I'll be able too...but still I think it will help! Hahaha you make me laugh so much. :)

Karen said...

This is one of my favorite blog posts ever..... So funny. BTW.....I am still eating chocolate too.