Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Twisted Tale Tuesday


Once again my disclaimer - names and incidents are fictitious and in no way reflect true life. Any parallel to your own life is purely coincidental. You are thinking way too much about it.

Wuntsa ponna time there was a girl named Goldilocks. Goldilocks was actually her nickname, but the folks have been calling her that for so long they forgot what her actual name was. She didn't mind because during roll call at school, there was never anyone with the same name. She really hated it at Christmas time, though, because she could never find a mug or ornament with her name on it.

Goldilocks went for a walk one day and came upon a little log cabin. She knocked on the door and no one answered. She was very hungry and thirsty so she thought she could just go in and steal a little food and water without getting caught. All the other kids in the neighborhood were stealing so this was not out of the ordinary.

She noticed three chairs. A little chair, a medium chair and a tacky LazyBoy recliner. She sat in the LazyBoy and said, "This chair is too big." She moved on to the next chair and once again placed her tired little buns on it. "This chair is too......medium-ish." Then she sat in the little chair and said, "This chair is just right." She tilted back in it like she had been told a million times not to do. The back legs slipped right out from under her and she fell on the floor and bonked her head. She noticed the chair had broken and on the bottom of the seat it was quite noticeable why. There in large print said, "Made in China." Then she worried about lead poisoning.

This gave her a voracious appetite. She noticed three bowls of porridge, which for my American readers is actually the very same thing as cooked oatmeal. There is no difference except one starts with a "P" and the other with an "O". She tried the big bowl first and found it was too hot. She tried the next one in the medium bowl which was also too hot. Then she tried the small one and it was just right. She ate it all up and felt very tired but lowered her cholesterol by 15 points.

She found a bedroom with two beds in it. Two beds you ask? Why aren't there three? How many people procreate sleeping in separate beds?! This isn't the time or place for me to explain the birds and the bees, so I will just carry on with my tale. She didn't waste her time crawling into the big bed so she jumped right into the little bed. She quickly dozed off to sleep.

Suddenly, she was awakened by a sound. "Some one's been sitting in my chair" and "someone ate my porridge". BUSTED!!! She would not only get prosecuted for stealing but vandalism, too.

Then she saw a family of bears standing in the doorway. "Some one's sleeping in my bed!" cried the baby bear.

"Oh my H, a talking bear!" shouted Goldilocks as she jumped out of the window and ran all the way home. Once again, a silly little blonde. What are bears doing living in cabins with furniture and eating oatmeal?


Karen said...

I like your versions much better than the original. I'm not sure the kids would find it as amusing though.

Nancy said...

Lucy and Ricky managed to have that little son all the while sleeping in separate beds . . . I guess where there's a will there's a way?

Karen said...

You are so freaking funny! It hurts to laugh because of the headache, but totally worth it.

JaMean said...

Oh my goodness Krista! That was SO funny. :) You absolutely kill me!!!!

Kari said...

You forgot to mention that when she jumped out the window, she sprained her ankle, which to this day is freakishly large and makes people think she has gout!

You really should write books you know! Instead of Grimm's Fairytales, it would be Rea's Fairytales, with a twist!

Robin said...

It's 10:30 pm and I was laughing so hard I think I woke my family up...I miss you sooo much crazy lady!! Hope to see you this summer, oh btw...funniest bedtime story ever!!!