Regarding Frolicking

I thought I would answer some questions asked of me in a blog post. We went to Oregon to visit my dad and step-mother over Labor Day and thought we would visit the Redwood Forest since we were so close. We had gone seven years ago and I had said about the forest, "I feel like a tiny little fairy amongst all these huge trees." So we thought we would rent costumes and dress the part. Now some people would think that is a strange idea, but my family had so much fun doing this and it has created a forever memory. I reluctantly added a picture of myself (because we know how much I love getting my photo taken) and I am kissing my little Mimi in the picture, which is the best of a bad bunch. It was drizzling rain and my hair protested so in most pictures I look more like a scarecrow than a fairy. There weren't a lot of people around during our photo session, so we didn't have to feel too uncomfortable. Actually, I think I was the only one who felt uncomfortable and once again thinking, "Me and my big ideas!"

Twisted Tale Tuesday

The Fly on the Wall

Wuntsa ponna time there was an insecure little prince named Curt. Actually, people weren't really sure if he was insecure or narcissistic, because sometimes he would come across that way. When others felt weak he would poke fun, only to cover up the fact that he was weaker. If his girlfriends didn't win beauty contests, he would call them losers, even though he would never even win the title of Mr. Puny-verse. When he was blamed for trouble - he would blame others and assign a whipping boy because he didn't want the others see him cry.

Curt walked out into the royal garden and to a royal pond. He looked into the pond and saw his reflection. "Handsome or not?" he asked. Just then a toad poked his ugly head out of the spot where Curt's face should have been. "NOT!" said the cheeky toad.

"How dare you speak to the royal prince that way! I shall teach you a lesson!" said the angry prince. He picked up a stone and aimed it towards the toad.

"Please don't hurt me," said the toad. "I am a magic toad and I will grant you one wish if you shall spare me."

The prince thought this over carefully, because he didn't want to wish for something silly. The little vain (or insecure) prince finally announced, "I want to know what everyone thinks about me!"

"Is that your final answer? Would you like to phone a friend?" asked the toad.

"No! I just want to ask the audience. I want to know what they think of me: if I'm handsome or smart or kind or worthy of a million riches."

"Your wish is granted," croaked the toad. Poof! The prince turned into a fly. He buzzed around and then realized the toad had tricked him and he was about to become toad kill.

"You tricked me - I spared your life and you tricked me!" buzzed the angry prince-sect.

"No, dear Prince. You have the ability to spy on anyone you would like without being noticed. Fly off now and get your answers." With that the toad dove back into the pond.

Curt decided to fly to the village. He entered a very fair maiden's house and hid on the bookshelf. He saw on the TV that the emergency broadcasting system had an alert for the missing prince. "Oh that silly prince!" said the fair maiden, "His humor is such he is probably right under our noses. He's probably outsmarted us all."

"She thinks I'm funny and smart," thought the prince-sect. He flew on to another fair maiden's house, a recent love interest.

Her name was Petunia. "The prince has probably ran away with some bimbo and he's so self-centered he would hate for anyone to find out - so he's in hiding." The strange thing was she was shouting this at the TV. The prince-sect was not pleased. "She thinks I'm stupid," he thought. The fact that she always called him an idiot probably didn't phase him.

"They can have each other, for all I care!" she shouted angrily, for she was hoping to be the one. But she wanted to have other lovers, too.

Finally, he flew to a quondam lover's house and landed on the litter box. He started to feel hungry, for some strange reason.

"Did you hear the prince was missing?" she said to her BFF. "He probably lost his identity and will look for it for the rest of his life. Like Amnesia - unless someone recognizes him and brings him back."

This made Curt unhappy. He buzzed in front of her face as she swatted and he flew into the other room for safety. She came after him with her shoe. "I'll teach you, you bugger." Now, I don't mean that in the naughty way for my overseas readers who consider that word a swear word. I mean it in the way that he was a bug and was bugging her.

He regretted knowing the truth now. He wished he never knew and flew quickly to find the toad, stopping by a pile of manure on the way. He really couldn't help it. The frog was waiting on a lily pad for the fly to return.

"Toad! I've got to change back! Please!" he shouted, desperately.

"Sorry Prince. One wish was the deal," he said. "What will you give me if I change you back?"

"I will let you kiss every fair maiden before me and let you chose who I marry," buzzed the prince.

"Deal!" and the prince was changed back to himself. Insecure or narcissistic? The toad picked a fine beauty for him, which was Petunia. Why Petunia? She was just what he needed to be motivated in his career, which he was highly successful and that's why he never came home. He made a lot of money and lived .....and lived until he died. The End.

Twisted Tale Tuesday

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

Once again my disclaimer - names and incidents are fictitious and in no way reflect true life. Any parallel to your own life is purely coincidental. You are thinking way too much about it.

Wuntsa ponna time there was a girl named Goldilocks. Goldilocks was actually her nickname, but the folks have been calling her that for so long they forgot what her actual name was. She didn't mind because during roll call at school, there was never anyone with the same name. She really hated it at Christmas time, though, because she could never find a mug or ornament with her name on it.

Goldilocks went for a walk one day and came upon a little log cabin. She knocked on the door and no one answered. She was very hungry and thirsty so she thought she could just go in and steal a little food and water without getting caught. All the other kids in the neighborhood were stealing so this was not out of the ordinary.

She noticed three chairs. A little chair, a medium chair and a tacky LazyBoy recliner. She sat in the LazyBoy and said, "This chair is too big." She moved on to the next chair and once again placed her tired little buns on it. "This chair is too......medium-ish." Then she sat in the little chair and said, "This chair is just right." She tilted back in it like she had been told a million times not to do. The back legs slipped right out from under her and she fell on the floor and bonked her head. She noticed the chair had broken and on the bottom of the seat it was quite noticeable why. There in large print said, "Made in China." Then she worried about lead poisoning.

This gave her a voracious appetite. She noticed three bowls of porridge, which for my American readers is actually the very same thing as cooked oatmeal. There is no difference except one starts with a "P" and the other with an "O". She tried the big bowl first and found it was too hot. She tried the next one in the medium bowl which was also too hot. Then she tried the small one and it was just right. She ate it all up and felt very tired but lowered her cholesterol by 15 points.

She found a bedroom with two beds in it. Two beds you ask? Why aren't there three? How many people procreate sleeping in separate beds?! This isn't the time or place for me to explain the birds and the bees, so I will just carry on with my tale. She didn't waste her time crawling into the big bed so she jumped right into the little bed. She quickly dozed off to sleep.

Suddenly, she was awakened by a sound. "Some one's been sitting in my chair" and "someone ate my porridge". BUSTED!!! She would not only get prosecuted for stealing but vandalism, too.

Then she saw a family of bears standing in the doorway. "Some one's sleeping in my bed!" cried the baby bear.

"Oh my H, a talking bear!" shouted Goldilocks as she jumped out of the window and ran all the way home. Once again, a silly little blonde. What are bears doing living in cabins with furniture and eating oatmeal?

Twisted Tale Tuesday

I thought since other people have their days (that I love BTW) I would come up with one. Then when I have Blogger's Block, I can say anything in sarcasm and I'll feel better. If these stories have anything perpendicular to your life or you share the same name it is strictly by coincidence and not intended to display events realistically.

RAPUNZEL

Wuntsa ponna time, there was a beautiful socialite named Rapunzel. She had blue eyes that reflected the stars and long golden hair that swept her waist. She could catch any man's attention....and she did. One demented creep anyway.

He was in love with her in his own mind. His name is Oscar. He didn't really know her, but he thought he loved her. Rapunzel was very wise and didn't give him the time of day because she knew if she did, he would lose interest.

Since she showed no interest, the only way he thought he could have her for himself is if he kidnapped her and put her in a tower. She still played hard to get and she really couldn't get over his name. "How would I ever be able to introduce him to people without feeling awkward?" she asked herself.

The townsfolk caught wind of her entrapment and one brave soul decided he would rescue her. He was not a prince, just a very strong and good-looking guy from town, named Mike. He went to the tower and called to Rapunzel. She stood at the window. "How will I ever get free?"

"We need a rope or something," he said.

"Well, my hair has grown a ton since I've been using Fructis hair fortifying shampoo and conditioner. Like the commercial, it's as strong as a rope," she said as she lowered her hair, "and that's just my armpits." She then lowered the braid from the crown of her head.

Mike climbed and climbed just like in PE when he climbed the rope. When he arrived at the top and saw Rapunzel without makeup he was astonished. He was still trying to get over her name being so weird and all. So he went to the tower door and pulled it open. Tired from all the climbing he asked, "Why didn't you just open the door?"

"I tried desperately to push it open with no avail!" she exclaimed.

"It says here 'PULL', not push!" he scorned. Rapunzel wept. Sometimes it's just hard being a blonde.

There was no wedding, no happily ever after, no prince or princess or open relationship. Just the end. Except Rapunzel hired a lawyer and now all doors in the town have automatic doors. And the author is happy to announce that spell checker has approved everything except "Wuntsa ponna." The end.