Friday, June 27, 2008

Something's Bugging Me!

I was sitting on my couch watching TV and noticed this little tiny bug flying around. I swatted at it and it disappeared for awhile. A few minutes later it flew right into my left nostril! I blew my nose several times and never saw it in the tissue. So I went into the bathroom and squirt half a bottle of Simply Saline in my nose. It's little body never floated to the surface! I'M FREAKING OUT HERE!!! Friends who know me know that I have a serious phobia of bugs. I know my friend "and Karen" is really feeling for me.

How can bugs fly around so dizzily and be so accurate when it comes to flying in orafices? Well, now I'm freaked out because there could be a bug in my nose eating my brains. And yes, it would be in there for a very long time! Or worse, what if it is rotting in my sinus cavity as we speak? I can feel it in there! What if it lays eggs and emits a strange odor?

I awoke in the middle of the night a couple of years ago to a buzzing in my ear. I woke my husband and he got a flashlight to look in my ear. I told him not to tell me what it is so I don't freak out and this tiny little bug crawled toward the light. My husband shouts, "OH MY GOSH - THERE IT IS!" and wipes it out of my ear. Of course, I'm petrified yelling, "GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!! The Lord knows this is more than I can handle, so why would this happen to me of all people?

So how am I supposed to sleep knowing there is a bug tunneling in my head? "Go to the light, little bug!"

Wiggle Room

I mentioned Mimi's new hamster, Wiggles (aka Mark II). I never thought I would ever bond with a rodent but I have. Wiggles inherited Chocolate Chip's (Mark I) pink cage. It was professionally cleaned, of course. We noticed she was getting quite chubby for a hamster and never ran in her hamster wheel. I wondered if she even knew what it was for. (Don't hamsters have instincts for these kind of things?)

I put Wiggles in her wheel one day and slowly turned it. She started at a slow crawl and finally got the hang of it. She didn't want us to know that she didn't know what it was for so she waited until the middle of the night to actually run on it.

I thought, "Who in this world is better qualified to teach another living being how to run in one place and never get anywhere than me?" I'm thinking of becoming a personal trainer for hamsters now. Finally an anwer to my midlife crisis! Too bad they don't make hamster wheels for humans. Wiggles has slimmed down, but stills hoards her food. I quit hoarding my food.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

From Out House to Yours!

I was talking to my mother-in-law about our upcoming trip to Australia in August. I asked her if it was true that the five of us and the six of Adam's family were really staying with the two of them. That's 13 people! The only problem is they only have two bathrooms and my husband's "male" side of the family are very long toilet sitters. This is really a legitimate concern! Sometimes they sit there for so long I know they must have an impression of the toilet seat permanently embedded in their bottoms. You could call it the "Ring of Uranus." I refer to the master toilet room as my husband's office. You can find such reading as "Popular Mechanics", "Popular Science", "Machine Design" and you know he's spending a lot of time in there when he resorts to bringing my "Better Homes and Gardens" in there. There should be a law against that! I feel that my magazine has been tainted now.

I keep my scales handy in that same little toilet room so I can lock the door and protect my top secret information (and dignity). It's mainly in the same room as the toilet so after I weigh myself I can turn around and throw up.

This brings me to one of the funniest toilet stories ever. When we lived in our first little house in Oz we had only one bathroom there. My husband was occupying it for a considerable amount of time when Seth, age 2 1/2 at the time walked toward the bathroom. Whenever Seth had to go to the bathroom he would get this funny walk like he had no knees. I asked"What are you doing, Seth?" He replied frustratingly, "I NEED to go to the bathroom!!!" I said, "Well, go tell your dad." He said, "I did! But he won't scoot over!" That is a scene I wish I had on video camera!

We should be grateful that we live in this free country of ours. Some countries charge you to use their facilities. In Mexico we had to buy toilet paper from a lady who monitored the bathroom. A public restroom in England charged 2p (pence) to pee! I'm sure with all inflation people are holding themselves a lot longer so they can get their 2p worth! They may resort to portable catheters just to go grocery shopping! The bad thing is the clerks always ask to check your bags as you exit the stores there. What a shock to see a full urine bag!

Well, good-night my fellow geniuses and Karen! I'm off to the loo once more!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Upcoming Attractions!

For those who loved my ode below, just wait until I have my breast reduction surgery! It will be titled, "Thanks for the Mammories."

Under The Influence of Pain Killers

I've had a little more time to write since I've been recuperating from surgery. I had a hysterectomy (where they remove your hysteria) and I was told that some people (mostly women) get very emotional afterward. My emotions have been mostly ecstatic but I have felt a little sentimental, too. I've been blessed with three beautiful children. But I'm done with it. I feel a little sad that I don't feel like I've lost a part of me, like some ladies. I kind of feel as if I owe my uterus somehow, like I should write an ode or something. Here goes:

Ode to My Uterus

Ode to my uterus - you have served me well,

But most of the time - you've given me ........heck.

Thanks for the womb service! But now I'm free.

There's womb at the top waiting for me!

Three babies have grown in my living womb,

But you've become an empty old tomb.

So thank you, thank you and thanks again,

Even though now there's no womb at the inn.

If you talk about your uterus, is it called a "chat womb?" I have some pictures from my surgery.

Scroll down to see.

Did you really think I was going to show pictures? A womb with a view!?! I'm not that crazy! This isn't real estate where you can view properties womb by womb!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Born to be Wild!

I had this conversation with my mother-in-law when I lived in Australia about how people are born with special talents. As soon as my husband would get a new toy car he would take it to bits. He grew up to be a mechanical engineer. His brother Adam loved to get into his dad's tools, which was probably irritating at the time, but he grew up to be a carpenter and builder. The next brother, Craig, always played with tiny, fiddly things and he grew up to an electrician and toolmaker.

I remember when my brother and I were very young he would always touch the oven when it was hot and he would run away bawling. He kept going back and touching it again and again. I don't know if he was expecting different results each time but he grew up to be a welder.

I had a friend as a child named Frankie. He had more Barbies than I did! When he would make his Barbies talk I always thought he had a strange voice for his females! His voice was kind of raspy and whispery at the same time. I'm sure he is a hairdresser somewhere!

Then there's Mimi who digs up her dead hamster to visit her. Don't be surprised in twenty years if you hear of "Mimi's Mortuary." She loves to cook, too........but "Mimi's Cafe" name is taken. People might wonder if the two were next to each other! And don't order "Uncle Joe's ribs" whatever you do!

That brings me to my midlife crisis. Oh what to be since I've grown up. I tried not growing up but it happened. Let's a child I liked to play......boss other people around......draw......boss others.......write "school" and tell others what to do........boss.......put on puppet some more. I think I was supposed to be a rich housewife! Playing, bossing, writing, drawing and playing some more just doesn't pay. I don't know if I was born to be a specific thing or just born to be wild. How can I decide to do just one thing all day? Boring! I've tried substitute teaching, teaching art, secretarial, sales and a couple of other things. I've liked them all. I was on a school year contract and it ended and now I'm forced to get a life. I'll let you know when I get one.......but until then.........I'm born to be wild!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Jared and Krista

We all look better when we're on vacation!

My Personality Test Results....very accurate!

You Are An ENFJ
The Giver

You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.
Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.
Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.
You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.

In love, you are very protective and supporting.
However, you do need to "feel special" - and it's quite easy for you to get jealous.

At work, you are a natural leader. You can help people discover their greatest potential.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

How you see yourself: Trusting, idealistic, and expressive

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Bossy, inappropriate, and loud