Friday, February 19, 2010

Friday Confessional

Ooops! I forgot to add the button of Glamazon, who is my new BFF.

Okay, for those who don't know, I have a confession. I really like those morbid mystery shows that solve crimes. Not the Hollywood kind, the true story kind. I watch them on TRU TV, and ID TV - love 'em! My husband and children ask, "Why do you like those shows about murder?" It's not about murder. It's about finding the murderer with DNA, forensic science and stuff. It's about me taking notes so I can hide their bodies and outsmarting the authorities.

So, my husband, Mr. Red Personality, Mr. Control Freak, brought me home some chocolates tonight. Does he think this makes up for him being a total @%*(&@# the other day? Even if they are Ferrero Rochers? Does he think that punching below the belt with total lies can be forgiven with 7 ounces of chocolate hazelnut goodness?

I'm suspicious now. I think he's trying to kill me. We all know that 7 ounces does not equal 7 ounces. I think he wants me to gain weight - a lot of weight. Then I might feel the need to exercise and being in the bad shape that I am I will most likely die. It would probably be a slow and painful death. First, labored breathing. Then flushing of the skin and breaking into a sweat. My heart would start pounding, pounding, pounding until it exploded. The death would look natural and he would get away with the perfect crime.

I'm writing this so the world can know if this happens, it was premeditated murder. Tell the coroner to look for a slight odor of bitter hazelnuts. Someone contact Keith Morrison of Dateline NBC to do a story on me. Please tell him I was well loved and very funny and don't let them say I died doing what I loved the most. I really hate that saying. Remember, they could only say that if I died choking on a piece of cheesecake.


Leenie said...

So did you weigh the seven ounces to see if there were a few microns more of weight that could contain the--poison? Did you check for tiny holes made by a hypodermic needle? Or did you do as I would and think, " What a way to go!" and put them in your mouth two at a time? I'll watch the news for your obit. It had better be a good one.

Oka said...

I think you do watch way to many of those murder mysteries, LOL

Karen said...

I am chuckling and thinking of your post on Annie. Glad there is peace on the home front.

Diane said...

You actually mean you and Jared fight? Can't be! Death by chocolate, what a way to go :-)

Lisa said...

Hahahahaha!!! Yeah about that stupid weight=weight.

Gil said...

Re: Your most recent email.

I'm sorry, but neither my 12 gauge shotgun nor my shovel are available at this time.
Big 5 Sporting Goods frequently has ball bats on sale, My personal preference was always for a,#36 Louisville Slugger, in white ash. You could opt for a "Fungo" bat, but they are relatively light weight, and you would probably tire yourself out wielding it before a headache even set in. Best used while the recipient is sleeping, but there is an outside chance that such activity may awaken him.
Should you run out of Ferrer Roche, I have some home-made, fresh daily, Kitty Rocha I could send you.
Please advise.

Glamazon said...

How can you be so hilarious? Seriously. I laugh so much at your posts. I used to DVR all the 48 hours episodes, until I couldn't sleep at night. Then I started watching 'snapped' and then Ivan started to get paranoid.

Careful with the chocolate!

Thanks for playing :)

Fiona said...

Oh my heck... did you eat them??

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

And i really do hate those tampon commercials too...geez explain that to a want to know it all young man!
We'll keep a close eye on you if you need...death by chocolate IS fatal and HE knows it. Mine does it all the time to me and i mean ALL the time.
Kind of scarey...