Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Seinfeld Bathroom Experience

This story is not for the faint of heart. If bathroom humor offends you stop right here.

There's certain things that you just shouldn't have to frantically search for. Like car keys when you're in a hurry. Children in the mall. Immodium. Toilet paper in a public bathroom.

My friend and I went to a new shopping mall a few weeks after it opened. Nature called and we visited the shiny new public potty. As I search for a seat I always make sure there is toilet paper which in real life I call "loo roll." I looked in the nearest stall, nope. No loo roll. The stall next to it had plenty so I went in. I heard two obnoxious ladies walk in and they were talking very loudly. I heard the door next to me close.

Now I referred to these ladies as being obnoxious because they were talking very loudly, as if no one else was around. I think there should be some unspoken law that you don't talk to people when you're on the toilet. Not that it takes a lot of concentration to relieve oneself, but doesn't it seem a little weird? Maybe it's just me. "How's it going, Tinklebell?" "It'll work itself out in the end." Weird stuff.

I knew the lady who occupied the loo next to me didn't have any toilet paper. She hasn't come to that realization yet because of her conversation. Then it happened. First, a gurgle and then a squirt. Then noises you wouldn't want others to hear. But it didn't bother her, "Yeah, and wasn't that shirt so cute? I couldn't pay that much for it." Then some whistles, toots and honks. She carried on her conversation as if nothing was happening, except a flight of geese flying overhead. "So what did she say when you told her?" Her bowels were exploding. There was splashing and pouring between the flatulence. She was what I deemed as "losing her guts." I was sitting in my stall with tears running down my face because I knew she had no loo roll. I was shaking violently with silent laughter. I couldn't come out because I know I would be laughing uncontrollably.

Then she said as loudly as she had the rest of her conversation, "Oh no." That was it. I was in fits.

"What's wrong?" her friend asks.

"There's no toilet paper in here. Would you mind handing me a few paper towels?" This reminded me of Seinfeld's "Can you spare a square?" I could hear the paper towel dispenser in use. "Which stall are you in?" She asks.

"Right here. I'll stick my foot out," she answers.

You could hear the exchange of the paper towels. "Thanks." Then you could hear the rustling of the paper towels and flushing of the toilet. Meanwhile, she is still having conversation like nothing is happening. "Could you hand me one or two more paper towels?"

"How many do you want?"

Ppppppptttttttt! (That's the sound of guts being expelled.) "Make that two."

How I did not burst out laughing at this point I don't know. I'm really bad especially when I know I'm not supposed to laugh. As soon as they left the bathroom I came out and fell into laughter as I recited the event to my friend. This friend, however, doesn't really appreciate bathroom humor though she did say, "Oh my gosh!" and laughed a little. Of course my husband found it hysterical and often asks me to share "that bathroom story" with friends who love a good public bathroom story.

Once in a public lavatory I heard a little girl in her stall saying, "One poopy plop." Pause. "Two poopy plops...." and so on. And I'm sure we've all had our toddlers embarrass us by asking us if we were doing a number one or two in the bathroom. Or they announce that it stinks. Let me know if you post any funny public potty stories.

25 comments:

Saimi said...

I don't know Krista, your's pretty much tops them all! I'll be laughing about that all day now!!

Thanks for sharing!! :)

Leenie said...

ROFL!

Flea said...

Oh. My. Word. HILARIOUS. I'm so proud of you for exercising self-restraint! I wouldn't have. :)

Pearl said...

that is pretty much the MOST funny bathroom story I've ever heard! HILARIOUS!
*word verification: spigthi it sounds like a sound coming out from that no loo roll lady!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

couldnt top this one...I tried to visualize it all!

Cheeseboy said...

Wait, so she is using paper towels to wipe and putting them down the toilet?! That is just wrong... and uncomfortable.

How I'd pay NOT to be a fly on that wall.

Lisa said...

Okay, were you with us when our high school coach's wife went into the bathroom FULL of high school teenaged girls~known to listen and laugh and tell the tale~and proceeded to "expel and explode?" We were MERCILESS when we left the loo. Horrible. And I can't believe karma didn't come back to bite us in the butt...so to speak. :)

Gil said...

TOO FUNNY, ERMA!

Glamazon said...

so awesome. Aaaah, you kill me. Wish I was there. Kind of. Is that gross?

Totally unrelated-but I left you a little somethin' somethin' on my blog :)

PaperFlora2 said...

I'm a lot like you. I like to get in and get out. No convo, no singing, no talking. I'm so proud of you that you kept your composure. I might have had to let out a snicker or two.

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annie said...

Oh my gosh - that is funny - how you held in the laughter I don't know!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Fiona said...

I remember a little boy sitting on a toilet almost up to his neck yelling out... 'I want Noel to wipe my bum!!'

Nikki said...

Found your blog through Just a Bed... I love that Seinfeld. That is the funniest story EVER! So gross! Thanks for sharing.

dreamofjean said...

Krista,
I'm actually glad to see you posted this, because I just barely wrote a blog today having to do with a porta potty, and I was so afraid that I might affend people, or they would think I was just the strangest thing for posting it.
I have to say, your post beats mine by a long shot!!!!!

One Cluttered Brain said...

note to self: Do Not wear mascara when I read your blog!
LOL! ROFL!!
Tears coming down my face when i read this--can't think of any bathroom stories right now, but i'll get back to you.
i think i could have a good one.

T said...

ha - just as funny reading about it as it was in person!!!

T said...

"in person" of course meaning when you TOLD us about it at the dinner table (talk about a way to stay on my diet) and not that I was the one in the stall... promise!!!

Donda said...

Just happened upon your blog and I almost just peed a little! I can't remember if I have any potty stories but you are welcome to jump over and check out my other "sometimes offensive to some people" stuff at
www.dailylifewithbipolar.blogspot.com

Holly said...

OMG!!! I should have met you guys EARLIER!!! LOL!! There are TEARS coming down my face!! ROFLOL!! LITERALLY!! ((HUGS))

Kara@ Creations by Kara said...

So funny! I'm pretty sure that I would not have been able to hold back the laughter. Way to be. :)

The Damsel In Dis Dress said...

Wow! My first visit...can't stop laughing...

AJ said...

Found you from cluttered brain.
I have one or two potty stories, all involving loud questions being asked my one or the other child. Commentary on what I was doing etc.

lol! gross!

Jen R said...

Awesome! Oh, and I agree, there should be no talking on the toilet :-)

Stopping by from SITS Saturday Sharefest

Jessica Anne said...

Too funny! I'm crying laughing! Visiting (and following after that post :)) from SITS.

Nicole said...

This is not even remotely as funny as your bathroom story, but it's the only bathrooms story I have. And I wasn't even there for it. My mom just tells it all the time.

When my baby brother was just learning letters and just learning that letters in a certain sequence spell words is was in a public restroom with my mom. Because when little boys are still that little they are always tormented to going in the women's restroom with their mother. (my oldest is starting to complain of this very issue, but I digress) So anyway, she was in the stall and had told him to stand still in the corner. So he sees letters and so says to my mom VERY LOUDLY "Hey mom, what does T-A-M-P-O-N-S spell?"